A few months ago I wrote an entry about how I have OCD when it comes to checking my site stats. I'm happy to report that I still open up Google Analytics and AWStats every single day and see how my little web children are doing. I can stop any time I want, seriously, I'm fine.
My favorite type of stats for the816.com are the search keywords. I thought they couldn't get weirder than the list I posted in the last entry, but I was wrong. So here are some of my new favorite search terms that landed people on my site. I've also added my theory as to the circumstances of each particular search.
Search Term: "roeland park ghetto"
Whoever was searching for "roeland park ghetto" was obviously doing research for an essay entitled "The Mean Streets of Kansas Suburbs." I don't know if many of you have been to Roeland Park, but it's definitely not a safe place to be after dark. The Price Chopper and Lowe's Home Improvement Store attract a dangerous element. Roving gangs of soccer moms and and Nascar dads have been known for unprovoked attacks of outsiders.
Search Term: "michael scott bar fight"
I'm a big fan of The Office. I have seen each episode one too many times and my sister even got me a Dunder Mifflin t-shirt for Christmas. I have not, however, seen an episode where Michael Scott got into a bar fight. There was an incident where he fought Dwight in a dojo. There was even a day when Prison Mike related stories of jail fights. But I've never seen Michael Scott in a bar fight. Now that I think of it, that would make a great episode. Michael drives out to a Pennsylvania road house where he picks fights with tattooed bikers and ends up getting his face cut with a broken bottle. Instant NBC classic.
Search Term: "in the year 1500 what product did jacques nicot introduce for the first time into france?"
I swear to you that I am not making this one up. My guess is that someone was watching Jeopardy and was surreptitiously googling answers in order to impress their friends and family. It's important that people think you are smart. There is no better way to prove your intelligence than to shout out correct answers at the TV when Jeopardy is on. Incidentally, the answer to the question is: nicotine.
Search Term: "kick testickes"
A fourth grade boy makes a threat to kick young Timmy in the testickes. Not understanding this threat, Timmy decides to google this phrase to understand what part of his body might be kicked. After clicking on several search results, including one that is inexplicably on the816.com, he notices that Google has made a suggestion. Did you mean "kick testicles?" This leads to a new line of Google searches for 'testicles' and young Timmy is shocked and horrified and spends the remainder of his school years in therapy.
Search Term: "cow falls off cliff & utah"
Not only did a cow fall off a cliff, it fell off of Utah. I'm guessing that whoever did this search has a shaky grasp of what a cow can and can not fall off of. Maybe they meant to type, "cow falls off cliff & lands in utah." But that would only make slightly more sense. My point is that our public education system is crap. Increase funding for physics and zoology!
There are tons more, but I heard that people don't actually read more than a single paragraph on any given page. So if you've made it this far you must be some type of overachiever or super-reader. Go read something else, super-reader. I've run out of things to type.